Suffocating.

I don't think I have ever squeezed Josiah so tight as I did last night.

Fear.
Frustration.
Relief.

All flowing through me at the same time.

Honestly, I have gone back and forth all morning whether this is the right thing to share. Fears of being judged as a bad parent, a bad missionary, a bad Christian.

But sometimes it's our reality that encourages others to step up. To make a change. And in making a change... making a greater difference in the lives of others.

I sleep pretty soundly at night. Earplugs in. Eye mask on. Happy as a lark. 

Before having Josiah my mom gave me lectures on how I needed to change my "dangerous" habit (earplugs and eye mask) in fear of hurting her grandson, but I promised her that I would be careful. If at any point Josiah's life was jeopardized, eye mask would be off and earplugs would be out!

Saying that, if I've learned one thing it's that mother's intuition is a REAL thing! Josiah has yet to cry to get out of bed. I usually wake up when he wiggles around and am in his room before he can make a sound. I like to think it's a super power - but it might be that I'm a super light sleeper :)

Anyways, as the weather has gotten hotter we've moved an extra fan in to Josiah's room (we don't have AC), but in fear that the temperature will drop during the night and he'll turn in to a popsicle, I wrap him up in a mini sheet.

Well... Josiah has gotten wigglier (is that a word?!) lately. I mean REALLY wiggly!!! I put him on his play mat and find him in the middle of the floor. Letting him play on our bed is now only under complete supervision! However, I thought he was safe at night.

Until last night.

Around 3am I woke up to hear "Nnnnnnnnnn, nnnnnnnn." I have never jumped up so fast! I RAN in to Josiah's room with Robersy on my heels only to find Josiah's head at the foot of his crib completely covered in the mini sheet :'(

My heart hurts to think how long he had been struggling. Poor baby!!!! I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

I took off the sheet, checked his startled little face and squeezed his tiny body until his heart stopped pounding. Then Robersy and I snuggled with him in our bed until the two of our hearts stopped pounding too... thanking the Lord over and over again for waking us up (even with the earplugs and eye mask), getting us out of bed and finding out the situation before it was too late.

Can I be real with you?

Sneaking in some family nap time!

Lately that is exactly how I feel in life. Smothered. Completely unable to breath. Exhausted. Frustrated. Desperate for relief. Our lives consumed with ministry and busyness. 

I'm being real - so please don't judge.

The days we have to rest... something always comes up. The nights we have free... another meeting. Full-time ministry has become exactly that - FULL TIME. 24/7.

I feel overwhelmed and tired.

Suffocating.

But lately the LORD has shown be areas in my life that can be switched or changed around to give HIM more time and of course giving me more time with my family too (my first and most important ministry).

Removed the sheet, you can say.

But I feel afraid and anxious... even pressured by others to grab the sheet again.

Thankful for those who give - your ministry is appreciated!

Question. Wouldn't it be absurd for Josiah... after removing the sheet from his face (and the 5 little stuffed animals decorating his crib) to reach out of his crib, grab the sheet, pull it back in and cover his face again?

Many times this is what I do. GOD provides a time of rest, a break, a chance to free up my schedule and because of a "need" I reach out, grab the next task and find myself suffocating once again.

Does anyone else do this?!

Full-time ministry or just life in general. Work. Plans. Bible studies. Meetings. Ministry. Jobs.

Thankful for times of teaching even in
the craziest of times.

Maybe your filling your life with stuff, when GOD is trying to remove that from distracting you from HIM.

Maybe you've added a million things to your agenda to distract yourself from facing a reality. A conflict, a death, a problem. When HE's crying out and begging you to let HIM intercede.

Last week I shared about the desire to get in HIS face... but the busyness and ministry has become the sheet in my life. Covering me completely and keeping me from growing closer to HIM. HE shows me a way out, but I keep reaching out and grabbing the sheet over and over again.

So friends. I ask you to pray as I seek God's guidance for changes in my life.

Changes that might bring HIM glory... not seeking man's glory.

And I shall be praying for those who can relate.


Serving the LORD in any capacity is not an easy task, but I pray that both you and I can place our ministry as an offering at HIS feet... not rob HIM of the glory HE deserves by being busy.