Rolled. Tumbled. CRAWLED out of bed. Realizing we had slept in on Prayer Meeting morning I ran to take the dogs out while Robersy went to brush his teeth. Since they take just about the same amount of time to do (haha!) I walked in the door just in time to hear Josiah waking up.
"MOMMA!" - When Robersy isn't home we practice yelling "Daddy!" from the bedroom... hoping it'll sink in one day so then I can sleep in.
"One second, boo boos."
I had to put it on... where was it?
"MOMMA!"
"I'm coming!!!"
Didn't I just wear it yesterday? Maybe it was in the closet... under the bed... dirty laundry?! "ROBERSY!!! WHERE'S MY CAPE!!!"
:)
OKAY. Obviously I'm being facetious. But over the last several weeks a very serious thought has occurred to me. It's the reason I haven't written. It's the reason I haven't blogged. It's the reason I haven't shared the very intimate and personal feelings I have experienced over the previous month.
Shall I share?
Do you think you're ready?
Here we go...
I. AM. HUMAN.
Ahhhh!!! My heart hurts to write these three words. My head pounds to accept it's truth.
By this point you're getting ready to close the blog and move on to something more spiritual, but stay with me for a second and let's get serious so I can share with you the realization that most missionaries know so well and the ways you can help the missionaries and full-time ministry workers that GOD has placed in your lives.
These past 2 months have been the craziest roller coaster ride of my life.
I have experienced pain, grief and anger like I have NEVER experienced before.
I have cried more times than I can count.
I have doubted. HIS call. HIS will. HIS desire to use me.
One after another situations have hit our home, our ministry, our family, our faith... making it scary to stand back up again, in fear something greater might come next.
And it's becoming difficult to keep our "capes" on.
The funny thing is, we never bought these capes. We didn't even ask for them! They were wrapped around our necks by people we love most and the countless individuals we serve on a daily basis.
The cape is one of expectation. One that hopes we have all of the answers. One that wonders why we cry, why we fight, why we yell. One that ought to be stronger. One that doesn't feel pain and doesn't allow tears to flow. A true Superhero.
Here's the deal.
I can't be that for you or for them.
I speak on behalf of all ministry workers when I say, "I am human."
The cape isn't lost.
It doesn't exist.
The same pain you feel when you stub your toe we feel as well.
The anger you experience when someone betrays you, lies to you or stabs you in the back, we experience too. And it happens. Regularly.
Sadness feels SAD to us too, the only difference is that we can't just run to mom's house... we call on spotty internet and fuzzy computer screens.
Fights, cliques and gossip exist within ministry just as much as it exists in your office... and it's not okay... in either setting.
We're not Superheroes.
This may not mean anything to you, but over the last few months I have clung on to and held tight to a cape that God never expected me to wear. I need the same GRACE, MERCY and FORGIVENESS as anyone else in any other profession.
On my way to San Jose to teach the other week I admired a beautiful and OCD approved fencing :) SO STRAIGHT. SO PERFECTLY MEASURED. But as I drove by I notice an opening. Clearly nibbled away by a goat or cut by somebody passing by. Either way. This one opening, though only a few meters away from a security guard and a shot gun, could let any number of things in. And a thought crossed my mind.Why don't they cover it up?!
A little tarp, a big black trash bag at least!
But the truth is... the gap would still be there.
I started to think about all of the fears, doubt and insecurities that I had allowed to creep in to my life over the last few months... all covered with that dreaded cape. I could have walked through it all a little easier if I had taken off the cape and been real with others. It would have allowed GOD and others to step in to help close the gap rather than pretending it didn't exist.
The freedom of being REAL covered up with a cape all because "more" is expected of me.
More faith.
More grace.
More forgiveness.
Yet we REQUIRE and ought to GIVE equal amounts of these very things... and it's way more than either of us have done. Can I get an AMEN?
Perhaps this blog is difficult to follow, but if you're walking through living up to someone's expectations perhaps you get it.
Can we all just live for JESUS!?
Take off the cape!
Let GOD step in and allow HIM to place others in to your life to help with the burdens, the doubts and the healing.
Can we all just be real?
Next week I'll fill you in on all the happenings around here. Pics of groups, mission trips and the kids to come! But this week. Pray for your missionaries and ministry workers. We carry a heavy load of wearing a cape the LORD never asked us to wear. Pray that we might be real and seek counsel, help and healing before the cape becomes hypocrisy. And pray for the same in your own life too!
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