Loss

10 days ago, I grieved in a way I never had before. 

I grieved the loss of two spiritual daughters. I mourned the loss of trust. I sobbed over the broken lives, hurting families and betrayal. 

I questioned. 
I doubted. 
I blamed myself. 
I knew I could have done more.

I truly believed that the burden was too much to bear. 

Sleepless nights turned in to very early mornings. Trying to understand and literally begging God and others for guidance. 

I didn't want to be angry, but couldn't bear to forgive. The lies, the scheming, the rebellion.

I knew I'd never felt such hurt... and would never experience such loss again.

I was wrong.


Little did I know, days later, I would experience loss again.

Forced to say "goodbye" when I was never given the opportunity to say "hello." 

Forced to let go of something I'd never gotten to hold. 

To experience the contractions.
To see the blood.
And still be left empty handed.

I know I'm just a statistic. That others know my pain.

But he was mine.

He was MINE...


So here I stand again. Well... more like curled in the fetal position... which is only too ironic. Begging God AGAIN for guidance.

Once again trying to understand.
Once again feeling like a failure.
Once again feeling betrayed.

So why do I share? 
Because, though our lives are played out on a stage before our family, friends, church, ministry and supporters, we experience very real hurt in ministry and in our personal lives. 

I want permission to cry and to be mad and to run away. 

And I want you pray.

Because I believe in a GOD that will dry my tears, and remind me that HE is near, and hold my sweet baby tighter than I ever could.

I know my GOD is a GOD of
HOPE
RESTORATION
and HEALING

and I want to experience these things first-hand in our family and ministry.

I miss him... 
though I don't exactly know what I'm missing. 

I don't think that'll go away. 
I hope that doesn't go away. 

Will you pray for our family and ministry?